We’ve shared a lot the last few months about what your wife’s sexual needs are – and what happens if you don’t try to meet those needs. We encourage you to invest in your wife. Love her. Meet your wife’s sexual needs—for her sake and for the sake of your marriage. How can you do that? Pick a few of the following suggestions and begin the process of meeting your wife’s sexual needs.
1. Be consistent. If you give affirmation only when your wife has done something right or performed well, you can actually cause more harm than good. Your wife will begin to feel as if your love is based on her performance. Instead, affirm her. Thank her for the things she does for you and the family. Welcome her advice and insight. Praise her attempts.
2. Affirm her “just because.” Randomly say “I love you.” Brag about your wife. A wife is deeply strengthened when she hears her husband express love and appreciation for her in front of others.
3. Make her feel beautiful. Airbrushed images, magazine covers, movie stars, and models suggest that only certain body shapes are beautiful. Your wife needs to hear you tell her that she’s beautiful. When a wife feels confident about her body, she is more willing and eager to pursue and enjoy sex.
4. Learn what’s in her mind. For a woman, 99 percent of sex is in her mind. That’s where sexual interest—or disinterest—begins. If a woman feels drop-dead gorgeous (even if she’s not), she will perform sexually as if she is! Find out what your wife is battling: a friend’s betrayal, a dissatisfying job, a critical mother, an angry or distant child, a job loss, depression. When a husband finds out what’s going on inside his wife’s head, he is better able to encourage her.
5. Include her in your life. Invite your wife into your hobbies and work world too. Your job is an enormous part of your identity, and your wife wants to know what excites and challenges you about that world. Share your successes and failures with her. She isn’t asking so she can judge you; she’s asking because she genuinely wants to be part of your life.
6. Make eye contact. Look into her eyes when she talks, and hold her gaze. Use your eyes to flirt with your wife.
7. Verbally affirm her during sex. When a man talks to his wife during sex, he communicates to her that he is mentally present. The strongest way to make that connection is to describe what she means to you and how much you appreciate her. (Check out how Solomon described his beloved in the Old Testament book Song of Songs.)
8. Stay close afterward. After you have enjoyed each other physically, affirm and connect to your wife by staying close and cuddling. Don’t just roll over and say good night. Be tender. Bask together in the glow of making love in the way that only God could have created. Tell her how much you enjoy being married to her. She needs your verbal connection to bring closure.
9. Learn from her. One of a wife’s sexual needs is often wanting her husband to say something to connect with her after she’s been hurt, exhausted, or exasperated—and that doesn’t come automatically to most men. How will you know what she needs? Learn to ask her. This may sound forced or unnatural, but it’s better than guessing and getting it wrong.
10. Identify her need and preferences for touch. To identify your wife’s “touch tone,” ask yourself these questions:
How does my wife express touch to me most often?
What does she request from me the most?
What does she complain about?
Learn when your wife prefers the nonsexual hug and the sexual hug.
11. Ask her how you are doing. Ask your wife if you are meeting her need for nonsexual touch. Ask if she feels you touch her enough. Understanding that you want to connect with her in that way will make your wife much more eager to connect with you in a sexual way.
12. If you’re confused, clarify. If you sense confusion in your marriage about nonsexual touch, then talk about it. A relationship breaks down when a couple defines nonsexual touch from two different vantage points. It’s better to ask and know exactly what your spouse is thinking than to try to read his or her mind, which can lead to conflict.
13. Schedule time for connection. One of your wife’s sexual needs is a steady diet of appreciation, encouragement, “talk time,” nonsexual touch, and help around the house. She will receive those if you use a system of reminders that works best for you. Guys, that may mean you literally write “help with the housework” on your daily planner.
*For more revealing insights about your wife’s sexual needs – and how to meet them – check out The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women in our online bookstore!