My Husband Won’t Touch Me … Now What?

touch

Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Laura Doyle of https://lauradoyle.org/

Are you tired of begging for attention from your husband? If he doesn’t touch you anymore or kiss you anymore, or if he just has no passion for you, it’s so lonely.

Maybe he’s sleeping in another room or keeping you at arm’s length, maybe he doesn’t want sex anymore or recoils when you touch him. If you’re getting more affection from your dog than your man, it is painful.

It was so disheartening when everything I did to get the affection back only seemed to push him further away.

Fortunately, there is a solution. I just didn’t know it at the time because it’s pretty much the opposite of all the conventional wisdom I’d ever heard.

Here are four ways to get back to the days when he couldn’t keep his hands off you.

1. Recapturing Touch: Get Your Happy Back

Maybe you’ve heard: “happy wife, happy life!” That’s because happiness is infectious. Focusing on making yourself happy is the first step to becoming a happy couple.

I used to think self-care was all about exercising and improving my diet. I had no idea that, when it comes to creating intimacy, the more luxurious my self-care, the better. It may make you feel guilty to book a massage or even to take a bubble bath when the kids never stop needing you.

But if my self-care doesn’t make me feel guilty, then I’m not doing it right!

“Frivolous” things like napping, sipping lattes with friends, and hitting the beach actually give me an intimacy superpower: increasing my magnetism.

You too can become irresistible to your man.

What would you do if only you had the time? Find an activity or hobby that really puts you over the moon. Is it dusting off the piano or yoga mat, picking up your paint brushes or hula hoop for the first time in years, or kicking up your feet and reading a juicy novel?

If it makes you feel guilty, do it anyway!

That’s not to say I neglect the basics. Exercise creates endorphins and dopamine that bring a smile to your beautiful face. Likewise, feeding yourself well can have a profound effect on your happiness.

2. Recapturing Touch: Let Him Know You Want His Affections

Long-term relationships go through ups and downs, of course. There are times you feel closer and times you feel more distance. But droughts of physical intimacy are harder to pull a relationship out of because they’re not as gradual as other ups and downs.

If you aren’t showing you’re available, your man might not know that you’re ready to be intimate.

The problem is, if you’re anything like I was, I had no idea how to communicate my needs in a way that he could hear. Or in a way that actually worked. In fact, conventional wisdom only made things much worse.

One of you has to make the first move. This doesn’t mean you should tell him to be more affectionate.

In fact, the most popular post on my blog by far is “My Husband is Not Affectionate”.

The first piece of advice I give in this post is to STOP talking about it.

Rather, make it clear you’re ready to cuddle, hold hands, or have sex–but not by saying “We need to have sex” or complaining how long it’s been.

Adding it to his to-do list, right after taking out the trash, is not sexy. (Trust me, I tried!)

Read Next on Thriving Marriages  Why Is Sex Such a Big Deal to (Most) Men?

Instead, smile and flirt like you just started dating. One client was nervous every time she saw her husband and looked like she was scowling. Sure she was nervous–he’d said he wanted out of the marriage, and she worried every day that he was going to move out.

But when she realized that scowling was not the look she wanted to flash at him, she decided to smile at him when he came through the door even though it felt incredibly awkward. She was amazed that, the very first night of her smile campaign, he made small talk with her about the mail.

It was the beginning of the end of the cold war they’d been having for weeks. The beginning of their relationship coming back to life.

What can you do to show you’re available for physical intimacy?

3. Recapturing Touch: Combat Low Sex Drive

Sure, there are plenty of outside reasons that can take the blame for his lack of interest. Low testosterone, medication side effects, even stress can absolutely cause low sex drive.

What’s a girl to do? It’s easy to feel powerless in the face of such obstacles.

Fortunately, as the gatekeeper of your relationship, you have the power to change things. Start by going out of your way to show your man that you appreciate and admire him. Nothing like making him feel like your hero to dial up the gender contrast and see him stand taller (and sexier).

Give honest thanks for everything he does for you and your family, from small things like taking out the trash or doing the dishes to big things like being a great provider or a caring father.

To increase the attraction, drop and give me ten–ten gratitudes! What’s on your list? To start seeing sparks even faster, try expressing at least three gratitudes to him every day.

4. Recapturing Touch: My Husband Is My Best Friend

Respect is the key to any friendship. Intimacy can happen only when you both feel safe and vulnerable.

Whether he’s having sexual problems or not, don’t baby him. If he’s feeling emasculated already, he doesn’t want you trying to make it better or fix it for him.

Disrespect can be sneaky. I had no idea of all the ways I was criticizing and controlling, dismissing and demeaning my man.

Trying to get him to do things my way (the “right” way), doing things for him that he could do for himself, like finding his keys or waking him up on time, speaking on his behalf, doing whatever he wanted me to do so he’d be happy with me, asking questions to try to figure out what’s going on with him–that’s just the beginning of my list of disrespectful deeds.

Those are all on his side of the street. And all ways I thought I was supposed to be a good wife but was actually being more like his mom.

And nobody wants to have sex with his mom.

Let him be the man you fell in love with.

Express your desire for a specific date, like trying the new Thai restaurant or going for a walk together after dinner.

Express your affection spontaneously yourself, holding his hand or touching him when he walks by.

Now that you know the secrets to becoming an irresistible magnet your husband can’t stop flirting with, which one will you experiment with first?

To read more from Laura – check out her site https://lauradoyle.org/