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Today’s Thriving Marriage Insights

Married couples need to have some fun together! And one of the best ways to do that is to find hobbies for couples.

We’ve had some heavy topics at To Love, Honor and Vacuum lately, and so I thought it was time to revisit one of my favorite posts ever and run it again, with some fun changes, so it could be higher up in the queue!

Let’s emotionally connect and have fun together again! No matter where you are in your marriage, you need some hobbies! A hobby is simply an activity or pursuit that you do together. And during COVID, we all could use some new ideas, too.

Hobbies can bring couples close because of two communication principles:

  • It is often easier to communicate side by side, when you’re doing something, than it is to try to communicate face to face.
  • When we spend more time together with shared activities (like hobbies!), then we build up goodwill, which makes it easier to tackle some of the bigger problems in marriage.

We all need shared activities, because that builds shared memories. You feel more like a team. You start chatting again (and the more you talk about little things, the easier it is to talk about big things!). And you laugh. Whenever you laugh together, walls come down. Tension dissipates. And you feel close. Often those petty things that bug you about each other seem to disappear!

Besides, it’s just plain fun to share hobbies as couples.

It’s fun to spend time away from a screen. It’s fun to build a memory or be productive or experience something new. And it’s fun to learn together! Here’s the neat thing about pursuing hobbies for couples, too: you don’t each have to love it to the same extent. The goal is not the hobby itself. The goal is spending time together and having those opportunities to laugh and chat. My husband and I go birdwatching. I enjoy it. It gets me outdoors; we get some exercise hiking; I learn more about photography.

But Keith will trek 2 miles through brush to sit still at dawn in the hopes that he might see a king rail (it’s a bird!). He will stand still at the base of a tree for 10 minutes to verify whether that was a white throated sparrow or a white crowned sparrow. He is WAY more into it than I am. But we still go birdwatching together, because I’m in it for the memories, not just for the birds. And when he wants to do something intense with counting birds, he goes without me.

I’m going to share a whole bunch of ideas for hobbies you can pursue together. Take this post as more of a brainstorming session. Maybe something I’ll mention will twig something in your brain and you’ll find an entirely different hobby to share with your husband! But what I’d recommend is this:

Finding a Hobbies for Couples

  1. Look through this list and identify 3 hobbies you’d like to start with your husband.
  2. Have your husband look through the list and identify 3 hobbies he’d like to start.
  3. Exchange lists and choose one on the other person’s list that you’d enjoy, too.
  4. Choose one to start first!

A Comprehensive List of Hobbies for Couples

Outdoorsy Hobbies for Couples

  • Hiking
  • Birdwatching
  • Fishing
  • Hunting
  • Snowmobiling
  • Kayaking
  • Canoeing
  • Sailing
  • Windsurfing
  • Golfing
  • Tennis
  • Biking
  • Jogging/Training for Marathon
  • Joining a co-ed sports league: basketball, baseball, soccer, etc.
  • Skiing
  • Target practice
  • Rock climbing (on real rocks)
  • Photography
  • Metal detecting
  • Foraging (for wild mushrooms or other edibles)

My son-in-law David is really into foraging, especially mushrooms, and i want to join him in that this spring because I just love the idea of eating off the land as much as possible. Plus apparently some of the mushrooms taste really good! (and, yes, he knows how to tell the difference with the poisonous ones). We bought him a dehydrator for Christmas, too, so he can preserve some of them.

Domestic Hobbies for Couples to do Together

  • Gardening
  • Cooking (cook something gourmet once or twice a week together)
  • Homesteading (where you try to become self-sufficient in some food products)
  • Home improvement/painting

I’m already planning out my garden for the spring! I love growing herbs, and I dried and preserved so many last year, and made a ton of pesto.

Even if you’re in an apartment, you can make a balcony garden! But I love this garden tower for a house, too, because creating raised beds can be a hassle, and this I can put right on my deck and see it as I have my tea in the morning and it just makes me happy. Creating pestos and teas and salsas and hot sauces out of your produce can be another hobby you can do together.

And, seriously, it’s amazing how much you can grow in one of these garden towers!

Garden tower Project - 79 Hobbies to Do with Your Spouse

And planning the garden can be so much fun as well. The yield on these towers can be incredible. Do you want to do herbs? Salad greens so you have fresh greens every night? Tomatoes or peppers? I’m planning on a variety of hot peppers myself!

Sporty Indoor Hobbies for Couples

 

  • Working out/weightlifting
  • Yoga for couples
  • Aquafit
  • Racquetball/Squash
  • Swimming
  • Bowling
  • Rock climbing (at an indoor club)
  • Ballroom dancing
  • Irish dancing
  • Square Dancing/Line Dancing
  • Zumba classes

Line Dancing - 79 Hobbies to Do with Your Spouse

Keith and I take ballroom dancing classes online, even during COVID! Before the last cruise we took, we learned the chacha really well, along with reviewing the foxtrot and the swing. And it’s just fun to do for 15 minutes a night. Each video is only 3-5 minutes long, and they teach you one thing at a time. We really enjoy it!

And Connor just went rock climbing again this weekend for the first time in, well, forever! The COVID lockdown is over here, and a new rock climbing gym opened in our hometown right before COVID hit. He’s determined to use it enough to keep it open! When Rebecca and he were first married, they loved rock climbing together (and they will again!).

Rock Climbing - 79 Hobbies to Do with Your Spouse

Rebecca and Connor at the rock climbing gym!

Events to Attend Together

  • NASCAR races
  • Sporting events, especially more minor league local ones
  • Plays, dance performances, or comedians
  • Music performances: symphonies, bands, worship groups
  • Special museum or art gallery exhibits
  • Film festivals or film clubs

These may be all closed for the foreseeable future, but when they reopen, consider season’s tickets for something. It gets you deliberate date outings, and it supports something in your community.

Games Hobbies for Couples

  • Chess league
  • Puzzles
  • Board game club (even start your own)!
  • Euchre club (host your own euchre parties)
  • Bridge club
  • Strategy video game (my husband play just one game of Crusader Kings and it lasts for several months!)

We’ve also got a board game cafe in our hometown, which are getting increasingly popular. Go out to play a board game (or stay in), and you can try new ones and figure out which ones you like!

Educational Hobbies for Couples

  • Touring art galleries and nearby historical sites
  • Learning local history and becoming tour guides
  • Tracing your family tree
  • Planning an educational trip, like a rainforest trip to learn about nature or a European trip to trace some World War II battles. Do research together beforehand.
  • Touring wineries

Income Producing Hobbies as a Couple

“How do I reconnect with my husband?” That’s a question I get in various forms from so many of you who email. Life has gotten too busy, you feel like you pass like ships in the night, and you just want to feel like you know each other again. As we progress into the new year, I thought it would be a good idea to look again at how to reconnect with your husband if you feel as if the previous year–or years!–has made you grow apart. 

Here, for instance, are two questions quite typical of many that come in to the blog:

I am married to an emotionally distant man. We go through the motions of being married, but I have no idea what’s actually going on in his heart. In fact, I doubt there’s much there at all. And he certainly has no idea what’s going on in mine! We only have one child left at home and I’m afraid that when he leaves for college we’ll have nothing left between us.

Another woman writes:

I’m tired of feeling all alone! My husband doesn’t want to do anything except play on his computer or play video games. We never spent any time together. Shouldn’t marriage be about the two of you? I don’t know how much more loneliness I can take.

Okay, those are rather sad to start off our year. But I know many of you are lonely. So let’s set the stage here on what emotional connection looks like, what it doesn’t look like, and how we can move towards reconnecting.

Some truths about emotional connection

Connection is based on communication. In order to reconnect with your husband, there are five different levels of communication: cliches, facts, opinions, feelings, needs.

We can share facts about our day–“It was so busy today, the last client didn’t leave until 5:15, and I didn’t think I was going to get out of there.”

But we can also share feelings: “I’m not even sure I like this job. People put so many demands on you and it all seems so pointless. We’re not producing anything worthwhile anyway.”

And then you can get to the point of sharing needs: “I just feel like there’s more to life than this. When I’m in my shop with a saw and some wood, I feel like I’m creating something. But all day long at work I feel like I’m just chasing paper, playing some big game, that doesn’t mean anything. I need more than that.”

Do you see the difference?

Many couples never get beyond facts or opinions.

Here’s the problem: when you’re stuck at the facts or opinions level, tension is going to start to build up, because you’re not really emotionally connected. You don’t know anything about what’s going on in each other’s hearts.

And so with each interaction that is only surface level, it’s going to feel like you’re actually growing more distant. That’s right: talking may actually make you feel worse, if the talking isn’t about something important.

And you can’t just jump over several levels of communication and expect to be able to reconnect with your husband and get truly vulnerable or talk about your needs without starting to share consistently at some of the other levels.

That’s why the answer to grow emotional connection isn’t necessarily to do something big. If you start insisting on a date night, for instance, where it’s supposed to be all romantic, you’re almost guaranteed to be disappointed and hurt. There’s too much tension there to have the date night go well! Instead, it’s better to start with little things to put into your day that can help you connect, and then, once that connection is starting to be there, add some bigger things to your life regularly that are low-stress and low-pressure.

But first, a few more truths about how to reconnect with your husband:

Truth #1: Most men are not emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable

Some men may indeed be emotionally unavailable, but what I’ve found in so many marriages is that the couple has built up patterns of interaction that have made sharing feelings hard.

So ask yourself this–when we were dating, did I know what my husband was feeling and thinking? Did he talk about his needs? Was he vulnerable to me? If so, it’s unlikely he’s suddenly become completely emotionally unavailable. It’s more likely that life has made him stressed, or that you’ve gotten into negative patterns of relating that have cut you both off from each other.

If he never opened up to you, and you never felt emotionally close, that’s a bigger problem, and may require a licensed counselor.

Truth #2: Most people actually want a good marriage

The vast majority of people rank having a good marriage as a major goal of theirs.

Often when we’re distant, though, we assume: “he must be angry at me and doesn’t really love me anymore.” We project negative feelings on our husbands that they may not actually have. He just may feel awkward, stressed, or unsure of what to do. Most likely he wants to feel closer to you, too! But he probably feels a lot of failure when he’s around you, because you’re likely upset at the lack of communication, and he senses it. And when a guy senses that he’s disappointed you, he will tend to retreat.

Of course he shouldn’t do that! But that’s not really the point right now: the point I want you to grasp is that your husband most likely wants to reconnect with you, too! Few people honestly want to go through life feeling distant from their spouse.

So here’s your assignment: assume the best of him. Assume that he is not deliberately keeping you at arm’s length. It will make a huge difference!

(Again, if he honestly doesn’t want the best, then I’d suggest seeing a licensed therapist, but in the majority of cases, the husband does care). 

Truth #3: Most people are lazy

We fall into these ruts, like playing video games all night or watching Netflix and never talking. And then those turn into habits. It’s hard to break a habit unless there’s something else vying for our attention. If you guys are used to separating at night, it’s going to be hard to start doing something together unless there’s an actual option ahead of you. So when he goes off and gets back on his computer after dinner, it isn’t necessarily that he’s deliberately abandoning you. He’s developed a habit. And he isn’t likely to break that habit unless there’s something else on the agenda for that night.

Truth #4: Men tend to appreciate low-key communication

Or, to put it another way, women tend to be more comfortable communicating face to face, when we’re sitting across the table sharing our hearts. Men tend to open up more when they communicate side by side, when they’re doing something together. If you try to force him to sit down and talk to you, he’ll likely feel very uncomfortable, like he’s on the spot. So try reconnecting by actually doing something!

Again–these are generalities. In your marriage it may work the other way, and sometimes different personality types make communication preferences quite different from what we’d normally assume. But often the generalities ring true!

 

This article originally appeared here, and is used by permission.

For many married couples initiating sex can be an awkward moment that leads to conflict or hurt feelings. They’re not sure what to say. They fear being rejected. They want sex to be “special” but most of the moments they’re both home together are “normal.” They don’t want to seem demanding. They want their spouse to “just know.” They don’t want to interrupt and their spouse is always doing something else. They’ve tried and been told their attempt was crude or unclear.

This may begin to sound overwhelming, but there are few simple points to keep in mind when initiating sex with your spouse. Taking a few minutes to talk through these with each other can prevent a great deal of awkwardness and hurt feelings over the course of your marriage.

1. Use Mutually Honoring Language or Actions – Do not refer to sex with terminology that is offensive to your spouse. That is a turn-off at the moment you’re striving for a turn-on. Do not grab or grope your spouse in ways that are unappealing to him/her. That makes your touch a threat at a time when you want it to be welcomed.

As a couple, discuss the kind of language that is comfortable and appealing to use when initiating sex. How many ways would the two of you complete the invitation, “Do you want to… have sex… have a date… make a rendezvous… dance… enjoy one another?” If you don’t like these phrases, that’s fine. Their purpose is to break the ice and help you come up with your own (variety is good, as long as it’s mutually agreeable and understood).

2. Be Clear – A lack of clarity in your request is a great way to make initiating sex an uncomfortable experience. Generic questions like, “Are you doing anything right now?” when you’re interested in sex are bad. If your spouse says “yes” (which will be most of the time) you’ll hear him/her say “no” to sex and feel rejected. When they finally realize you’re pouting and you finally explain why, an extended time of hurt feelings will have passed; making initiating sex feel like an “emotionally dangerous” thing to do.

One of the benefits of having agreed upon language to initiate sex is that it adds to the clarity of an attempt to initiate. Ambiguous requests are a form of game-playing that expects your spouse to read your mind. They are unfair and are easily avoided with a few minutes of intentional conversation.

3. Invite Don’t Demand – Questions honor; expectations dishonor. “Are you interested in…?” or “Would you like to…?” are much better introductions initiating sex than “Let’s…” or “It’s time to…” Consider the fact that even when God offered you all the pleasures of Heaven, He still invited you to accept it (John 3:16) instead of forcing the invitation upon you (Mark 10:22).

However, if you know your spouse is interested in sex, then a more assertive initiation can be a way to show your enthusiasm. This playfulness rooted in an awareness of your spouse’s desire for you reveals a level of sexual maturity; knowing each other and resting in each other’s acceptance should result in occasions for this kind of confident seduction of one another.

4. Have Realistic Expectations – Don’t let your sexual imagination ignore the realities of your spouse’s life and skillset. Initiating when you know your spouse is exhausted is rarely a loving thing to do. Expecting an eloquent initiation from a “spouse of few words” is unrealistic. While both of you should be willing to sacrifice and stretch yourselves to please the other, love does not make untimely or against-another’s-nature requests.

A responsibility that each of you share is to manage your life so that you are regularly available to your spouse. A blessing each of you should want to provide to your spouse is the willingness to grow in areas that are important to your spouse, but unnatural to you. But these things should be a gift you give each other, not a tax you exact from one another.

5. Be Balanced as a Couple – Both husband and wife should regularly initiate sex. The ratio does not have to be precisely 50-50, but it also shouldn’t be 80-20. Both initiating sex and responding affirmatively to the initiation of the other are unique ways to love each other. You each should be able to bless the other with both responses: pursuing and responding. This maintains a balance in confidence and voice for both of you.

Consider this parallel to initiating sex; worship is the balanced experience of love drawing us towards God and the awe-struck suspense of being allowed into His presence. Both experiences are needed for worship to occur. The more both are present the more intense our worship. Initiating sex carries both of these dynamics; we are drawn by love towards our spouse, yet there is the suspense (e.g., anticipation) of requesting an intimate encounter. The more both are present, the more enjoyable our sexual encounter will be.

“Many Christian women believe that sex is a gift from God, but even so, they can’t give themselves permission to revel in the sensual pleasures of married love. Why? Because in their minds, the words godly and sensuous do not go together. Their definition of a godly woman does not include words like sexual or sensuous, and so in their quest to become godly women, they have denied their sensuousness (p. 13).” Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus in Intimate Issues

However, this begs a second question about initiating sex, “How do we respond if our spouse declines our invitation? How would we lovingly decline our spouse’s invitation? How do we protect these moments from becoming part of a negative cycle in our marriage? If my body belongs to my spouse (I Cor. 7:3-5), is it ever permissible for me to decline my spouse’s invitation to sex?”

“Please don’t use God’s loving guidelines as weapons against each other. Some husbands and wives club their mates with this passage and say things like, ‘If you don’t have sex with me tonight, you are sinning.’ The real sin is theirs because they usually have never taken the time, loving kindness, and energy to make changes needed to appeal to their mates romantically… Remember, making love is about giving—not demanding… On the other hand, are you too fatigued or busy or inhibited to have sexual relations regularly? You two are missing God’s plan for marriage and the enjoyment of one of His avenues for increasing intimacy (p. 5).” Doug Rosenau in A Celebration of Sex

Here are some suggested guidelines for these questions. Resist the urge to consider them “rules.” Instead view them as a conversation starter. As you read through them, discuss with your spouse, “What would this principle sound like in conversation for us?” and “How has / would neglecting this principle negatively affected our marriage?”

  • Only decline for important reasons. The perfect moment doesn’t occur very often; at least not often enough for a satisfying sex life in most marriages. There will be times when you are too tired or have an intense headache, but most often the disruption of declining your spouse’s initiation (e.g., hurt feeling, second guessing yourself, conflict) will be greater than the effort required to engage an enjoyable sexual encounter with your spouse.
  • Resist interpreting a decline as rejection. For some reason we are prone to think “no” means “never” when it comes to sex; we hear “I don’t like you” in “Not tonight.” Part of this is understandable; whenever we are disappointed about an anticipated pleasure it is hard to be objective. But when we do this, we are unfair with our spouse’s intent. We also undermine the future enjoyment of sex by creating conflict over an activity (i.e., sex) that is dependent upon closeness and vulnerability for its enjoyment.
  • Pair a decline with an affirmation. “Honey, I love you and want to be with you, but I wouldn’t be able to participate as fully as we both would like if we tried right now.” This kind of reply has both a direct affirmation (e.g., “I love you and want to be with you”) and an indirect affirmation (e.g., “I want to fully participate”). Even though we are not at our physical or mental best when we would decline, we do not want to be lazy in these conversations by neglecting to pair an affirmation with our words.
  • Pair a decline with another time. “That sounds wonderful, but if you give me 30 minutes I will be much more engaged.” Or, “I would really like to, but what if we got up 30 minutes early in the morning so we’re both rested.” Or, “I like the idea, but the kids are at a friend’s house tomorrow and we could be a bit more expressive with our love in an empty house.” Offering an affirmation and alternative time helps your spouse resist the temptation to interpret your decline as rejection.
  • If you are declining frequently, initiate frequently. If you find that you are frequently declining sex because of how you feel (fatigue or health), become the spouse who initiates sex more often. Find the times that are optimal for you and pursue your spouse. This shows your spouse that you are interested in sex and helps to create a rhythm for intimacy that is more conducive to the rhythm of your shared live.

“The only sexual life a Christian spouse can legitimately enjoy is the romantic life a spouse chooses to provide. This makes manipulation and rejection ever-present spectators in the marital bed. Anything denied physically becomes an absolute denial, because there is no other legitimate outlet (p. 194).” Gary Thomas in Sacred Marriage

If this post was beneficial for you, then considering reading other blogs from my “Favorite Posts on Sex and Sexuality” post which address other facets of this subject.