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Today’s Thriving Marriage Insights
Married couples need to have some fun together! And one of the best ways to do that is to find hobbies for couples.
We’ve had some heavy topics at To Love, Honor and Vacuum lately, and so I thought it was time to revisit one of my favorite posts ever and run it again, with some fun changes, so it could be higher up in the queue!
Let’s emotionally connect and have fun together again! No matter where you are in your marriage, you need some hobbies! A hobby is simply an activity or pursuit that you do together. And during COVID, we all could use some new ideas, too.
Hobbies can bring couples close because of two communication principles:
- It is often easier to communicate side by side, when you’re doing something, than it is to try to communicate face to face.
- When we spend more time together with shared activities (like hobbies!), then we build up goodwill, which makes it easier to tackle some of the bigger problems in marriage.
We all need shared activities, because that builds shared memories. You feel more like a team. You start chatting again (and the more you talk about little things, the easier it is to talk about big things!). And you laugh. Whenever you laugh together, walls come down. Tension dissipates. And you feel close. Often those petty things that bug you about each other seem to disappear!
Besides, it’s just plain fun to share hobbies as couples.
It’s fun to spend time away from a screen. It’s fun to build a memory or be productive or experience something new. And it’s fun to learn together! Here’s the neat thing about pursuing hobbies for couples, too: you don’t each have to love it to the same extent. The goal is not the hobby itself. The goal is spending time together and having those opportunities to laugh and chat. My husband and I go birdwatching. I enjoy it. It gets me outdoors; we get some exercise hiking; I learn more about photography.
But Keith will trek 2 miles through brush to sit still at dawn in the hopes that he might see a king rail (it’s a bird!). He will stand still at the base of a tree for 10 minutes to verify whether that was a white throated sparrow or a white crowned sparrow. He is WAY more into it than I am. But we still go birdwatching together, because I’m in it for the memories, not just for the birds. And when he wants to do something intense with counting birds, he goes without me.
I’m going to share a whole bunch of ideas for hobbies you can pursue together. Take this post as more of a brainstorming session. Maybe something I’ll mention will twig something in your brain and you’ll find an entirely different hobby to share with your husband! But what I’d recommend is this:
Finding a Hobbies for Couples
- Look through this list and identify 3 hobbies you’d like to start with your husband.
- Have your husband look through the list and identify 3 hobbies he’d like to start.
- Exchange lists and choose one on the other person’s list that you’d enjoy, too.
- Choose one to start first!
A Comprehensive List of Hobbies for Couples
Outdoorsy Hobbies for Couples
- Hiking
- Birdwatching
- Fishing
- Hunting
- Snowmobiling
- Kayaking
- Canoeing
- Sailing
- Windsurfing
- Golfing
- Tennis
- Biking
- Jogging/Training for Marathon
- Joining a co-ed sports league: basketball, baseball, soccer, etc.
- Skiing
- Target practice
- Rock climbing (on real rocks)
- Photography
- Metal detecting
- Foraging (for wild mushrooms or other edibles)
My son-in-law David is really into foraging, especially mushrooms, and i want to join him in that this spring because I just love the idea of eating off the land as much as possible. Plus apparently some of the mushrooms taste really good! (and, yes, he knows how to tell the difference with the poisonous ones). We bought him a dehydrator for Christmas, too, so he can preserve some of them.
Domestic Hobbies for Couples to do Together
- Gardening
- Cooking (cook something gourmet once or twice a week together)
- Homesteading (where you try to become self-sufficient in some food products)
- Home improvement/painting
I’m already planning out my garden for the spring! I love growing herbs, and I dried and preserved so many last year, and made a ton of pesto.
Even if you’re in an apartment, you can make a balcony garden! But I love this garden tower for a house, too, because creating raised beds can be a hassle, and this I can put right on my deck and see it as I have my tea in the morning and it just makes me happy. Creating pestos and teas and salsas and hot sauces out of your produce can be another hobby you can do together.
And, seriously, it’s amazing how much you can grow in one of these garden towers!
And planning the garden can be so much fun as well. The yield on these towers can be incredible. Do you want to do herbs? Salad greens so you have fresh greens every night? Tomatoes or peppers? I’m planning on a variety of hot peppers myself!
Sporty Indoor Hobbies for Couples
- Working out/weightlifting
- Yoga for couples
- Aquafit
- Racquetball/Squash
- Swimming
- Bowling
- Rock climbing (at an indoor club)
- Ballroom dancing
- Irish dancing
- Square Dancing/Line Dancing
- Zumba classes
Keith and I take ballroom dancing classes online, even during COVID! Before the last cruise we took, we learned the chacha really well, along with reviewing the foxtrot and the swing. And it’s just fun to do for 15 minutes a night. Each video is only 3-5 minutes long, and they teach you one thing at a time. We really enjoy it!
And Connor just went rock climbing again this weekend for the first time in, well, forever! The COVID lockdown is over here, and a new rock climbing gym opened in our hometown right before COVID hit. He’s determined to use it enough to keep it open! When Rebecca and he were first married, they loved rock climbing together (and they will again!).
Rebecca and Connor at the rock climbing gym!
Events to Attend Together
- NASCAR races
- Sporting events, especially more minor league local ones
- Plays, dance performances, or comedians
- Music performances: symphonies, bands, worship groups
- Special museum or art gallery exhibits
- Film festivals or film clubs
These may be all closed for the foreseeable future, but when they reopen, consider season’s tickets for something. It gets you deliberate date outings, and it supports something in your community.
Games Hobbies for Couples
- Chess league
- Puzzles
- Board game club (even start your own)!
- Euchre club (host your own euchre parties)
- Bridge club
- Strategy video game (my husband play just one game of Crusader Kings and it lasts for several months!)
We’ve also got a board game cafe in our hometown, which are getting increasingly popular. Go out to play a board game (or stay in), and you can try new ones and figure out which ones you like!
Educational Hobbies for Couples
- Touring art galleries and nearby historical sites
- Learning local history and becoming tour guides
- Tracing your family tree
- Planning an educational trip, like a rainforest trip to learn about nature or a European trip to trace some World War II battles. Do research together beforehand.
- Touring wineries
Income Producing Hobbies as a Couple
- Refinishing furniture
- Painting furniture
- Building furniture
- Yard sale/flea marketing and find items to refinish or repurpose
- Starting an etsy or ebay business
- Starting a blog on a topic you both enjoy
- Photography/Videography
- Catering
“How do I reconnect with my husband?” That’s a question I get in various forms from so many of you who email. Life has gotten too busy, you feel like you pass like ships in the night, and you just want to feel like you know each other again. As we progress into the new year, I thought it would be a good idea to look again at how to reconnect with your husband if you feel as if the previous year–or years!–has made you grow apart.
Here, for instance, are two questions quite typical of many that come in to the blog:
I am married to an emotionally distant man. We go through the motions of being married, but I have no idea what’s actually going on in his heart. In fact, I doubt there’s much there at all. And he certainly has no idea what’s going on in mine! We only have one child left at home and I’m afraid that when he leaves for college we’ll have nothing left between us.
I’m tired of feeling all alone! My husband doesn’t want to do anything except play on his computer or play video games. We never spent any time together. Shouldn’t marriage be about the two of you? I don’t know how much more loneliness I can take.
Okay, those are rather sad to start off our year. But I know many of you are lonely. So let’s set the stage here on what emotional connection looks like, what it doesn’t look like, and how we can move towards reconnecting.
Some truths about emotional connection
Connection is based on communication. In order to reconnect with your husband, there are five different levels of communication: cliches, facts, opinions, feelings, needs.
We can share facts about our day–“It was so busy today, the last client didn’t leave until 5:15, and I didn’t think I was going to get out of there.”
But we can also share feelings: “I’m not even sure I like this job. People put so many demands on you and it all seems so pointless. We’re not producing anything worthwhile anyway.”
And then you can get to the point of sharing needs: “I just feel like there’s more to life than this. When I’m in my shop with a saw and some wood, I feel like I’m creating something. But all day long at work I feel like I’m just chasing paper, playing some big game, that doesn’t mean anything. I need more than that.”
Do you see the difference?
Many couples never get beyond facts or opinions.
Here’s the problem: when you’re stuck at the facts or opinions level, tension is going to start to build up, because you’re not really emotionally connected. You don’t know anything about what’s going on in each other’s hearts.
And so with each interaction that is only surface level, it’s going to feel like you’re actually growing more distant. That’s right: talking may actually make you feel worse, if the talking isn’t about something important.
And you can’t just jump over several levels of communication and expect to be able to reconnect with your husband and get truly vulnerable or talk about your needs without starting to share consistently at some of the other levels.
That’s why the answer to grow emotional connection isn’t necessarily to do something big. If you start insisting on a date night, for instance, where it’s supposed to be all romantic, you’re almost guaranteed to be disappointed and hurt. There’s too much tension there to have the date night go well! Instead, it’s better to start with little things to put into your day that can help you connect, and then, once that connection is starting to be there, add some bigger things to your life regularly that are low-stress and low-pressure.
But first, a few more truths about how to reconnect with your husband:
Truth #1: Most men are not emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable
Some men may indeed be emotionally unavailable, but what I’ve found in so many marriages is that the couple has built up patterns of interaction that have made sharing feelings hard.
So ask yourself this–when we were dating, did I know what my husband was feeling and thinking? Did he talk about his needs? Was he vulnerable to me? If so, it’s unlikely he’s suddenly become completely emotionally unavailable. It’s more likely that life has made him stressed, or that you’ve gotten into negative patterns of relating that have cut you both off from each other.
If he never opened up to you, and you never felt emotionally close, that’s a bigger problem, and may require a licensed counselor.
Truth #2: Most people actually want a good marriage
The vast majority of people rank having a good marriage as a major goal of theirs.
Often when we’re distant, though, we assume: “he must be angry at me and doesn’t really love me anymore.” We project negative feelings on our husbands that they may not actually have. He just may feel awkward, stressed, or unsure of what to do. Most likely he wants to feel closer to you, too! But he probably feels a lot of failure when he’s around you, because you’re likely upset at the lack of communication, and he senses it. And when a guy senses that he’s disappointed you, he will tend to retreat.
Of course he shouldn’t do that! But that’s not really the point right now: the point I want you to grasp is that your husband most likely wants to reconnect with you, too! Few people honestly want to go through life feeling distant from their spouse.
So here’s your assignment: assume the best of him. Assume that he is not deliberately keeping you at arm’s length. It will make a huge difference!
(Again, if he honestly doesn’t want the best, then I’d suggest seeing a licensed therapist, but in the majority of cases, the husband does care).
Truth #3: Most people are lazy
We fall into these ruts, like playing video games all night or watching Netflix and never talking. And then those turn into habits. It’s hard to break a habit unless there’s something else vying for our attention. If you guys are used to separating at night, it’s going to be hard to start doing something together unless there’s an actual option ahead of you. So when he goes off and gets back on his computer after dinner, it isn’t necessarily that he’s deliberately abandoning you. He’s developed a habit. And he isn’t likely to break that habit unless there’s something else on the agenda for that night.
Truth #4: Men tend to appreciate low-key communication
Or, to put it another way, women tend to be more comfortable communicating face to face, when we’re sitting across the table sharing our hearts. Men tend to open up more when they communicate side by side, when they’re doing something together. If you try to force him to sit down and talk to you, he’ll likely feel very uncomfortable, like he’s on the spot. So try reconnecting by actually doing something!
Again–these are generalities. In your marriage it may work the other way, and sometimes different personality types make communication preferences quite different from what we’d normally assume. But often the generalities ring true!
This article originally appeared here, and is used by permission.
Can a celibate nun who was born over five hundred years ago unlock the secret to a more intimate marriage?
Yes, she can.
In her autobiography, Teresa of Avila explains why, for a short season, she avoided being alone as much as possible. She began experiencing spiritual ecstasies in prayer and some of her confessors warned her that these ecstasies must be from the devil rather than God. Being alone with God filled Teresa’s heart with such delight that she couldn’t make the ecstasies stop, so she had to avoid being alone in order to avoid the ecstasies.
For my pastoral work, I had been reading up on recovery with multiple warnings to men about being alone lest they watch something, drink something, eat something, gamble something, or smoke something they shouldn’t.
What a stark contrast, I thought. Today’s believer is often afraid to be alone because our solitary state might lead us to sin; Teresa avoided being alone because God’s favors (in case you’re wondering, Teresa found out the men were wrong) were so overwhelming.
Today’s Christian is often so focused on not doing something—overeating, gambling, substance abuse, porn, etc.—that we chase avoidance (I know, that’s a weird combination of words, but it fits). Reading Teresa’s story reminds me of how essential it is that we learn to delight in God, to chase intimacy.
I can’t even begin to evaluate Teresa’s spiritual experiences. I’m not sure they are possible outside a monastic existence. But just because it doesn’t fit our life to take six months to climb Mt. Everest doesn’t mean we can’t walk up a hill now and then.
If you’re struggling in recovery, marriage or parenting and are focusing on avoidance—not relapsing, not being angry, not striking out, not yelling, etc.—do yourself and your loved ones a favor and spend some time cultivating delight in God. I’m leaning on Teresa to rediscover the joys and fulfillment (not just duty and obligation) of prayer. We can learn how to marshal the positive power of spiritual delight. Teresa is adamant that the only thing that wooed her away from sin were the superior pleasures she enjoyed while communing with God. Until she learned how to receive something better from God, she couldn’t say no to the lesser substitutes offered by the world.
We can live so desperately to get something that we’re never going to get from our spouse, our kids, or worldly experience. What’s particularly sad is that we endure thirsty lives even while living by a reservoir of delight in the affirmation, love, acceptance, and inspiration of God. Let’s move beyond intercessory prayer to spend time communing with God, receiving His affirmation, listening to Him, and meditatively interacting with Scripture.
Lately, I’ve found a great way to put an “exclamation mark” at the end of my devotional times. I focus on one-sentence positive affirmations of God taken directly from Scripture:
God is powerful (Col. 2:12)
God is just (2 Thess. 1:6)
God is faithful (1 Thess. 5:24)
God judges righteously (Jer. 11:20)
Nothing profound, nothing you haven’t heard a hundred times—but thinking on them one by one, trying to draw from them and reminding myself that these are bedrock truths to live by—is like rocket fuel to the soul. Just thinking on one truth about God fills my soul and mind and helps prepare me to go out into a fallen world where people can do awful things and fight petty battles. I can interact with and even enjoy the world without depending on the world.
Where I might push back against Teresa just a little bit is how she saw the world God created as almost a threat to enjoying Him. She “repents” of finding pleasure in relationships, for example, and “confesses” affection that might get in the way of her thirst for God.
In Pure Pleasure I write about how I discovered that the world can point me to God when I see it as God’s creation, gift and kindness. In fact, delighting in the perfect God opens my eyes to delighting in the world he has created, even a world marred by the fall. God gives us everything that is good—the thrill of the first kiss that is going to lead to something else. The thrill of a baby’s first word. The thrill of that first bite when you’re so hungry. The thrill of a good laugh. The thrill of a good day of work. The thrill of a good day lived together in a lifelong marriage.
My second book was Sacred Pathways: Discover Your Soul’s Path to God. Though it was written (I can hardly believe this now) over twenty years ago it’s still selling because the call to learn how we individually and uniquely connect with God is timeless. The way you delight in God will be different from the way I connect with God. The way your spouse spends time with the Lord will take on a different dimension from the way you spend time with God because no two relationships are exactly alike.
While the means will differ, the end must be the same for all of us: delighting in God is essential to our personal health, our family’s health, and our vocational focus. Without delight, Christianity can collapse into a moral obstacle course. That’s not the abundant life Jesus lays out for us.
When you get alone—say it’s a hotel room, or the downstairs living room when everyone is asleep—do you see that as an opportunity to meet with God in a special way, or is it a quagmire of temptation with the ice cream calling out your name, a game controller begging you to get lost for a few hours, or a website saying “you need me?”
A life defined by what we don’t do is a sad life; a life defined by what we love is the life we were meant to live. Rediscover that love and delight in God. To improve your marriage, look away from your marriage up toward the beauty, the excellence, the magnificence of a perfect God. Gazing on him is the only way to sustain a cherishing relationship with any fallen human, including ourselves. Let the rising tide of divine affection lift every “boat” in your life—the boat of marriage, self-identity, parenting, vocation and solitude.