If you’ve been a long-time reader of Thriving Marriages then you’ve benefited a ton from Sheila’s amazing, honest advice. In today’s post she’s asking you, our readers, for help! In this post, Sheila guides us through the question — shouldn’t Christians have the best sex?
I spent my honeymoon night in tears—because sex hurt. A lot.
I had no idea what was wrong with me. It wasn’t supposed to be this painful! But I was married now, and I believed my husband needed sex and I had been taught that he wouldn’t feel love without it. So over the next few years I cried a lot, grit my teeth a lot, and yelled at God for making it so hard.
I suffered from something called vaginismus, and, thankfully, with some help I healed and finally figured out why people like sex! But those first few years were a trial, and what made it worse was thinking that I was the only one.
After everything I endured, I became a passionate advocate of great sex in marriage, and I started a huge research project to figure out the essential ingredients to great sex. I’ve been writing full-time about sex for about 7 years, ever since my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex was published. And in my experience talking with Christian women about their marriages and their sex lives, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
First, the good news. Christians do have better sex than those who don’t know God. That makes sense. Sex is the ultimate knowing of one another, and the ultimate expression of intimacy. The more intimate you can be with each other, the more passionate and wonderful sex will be. When you feel really committed to your spouse, then, with a shared vision and purpose, and you’re able to be vulnerable, sex is going to tend to be better. Absolutely.
Now the bad news. While we’re better, it’s not like we haven’t got some learning to do. In my surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide, on a 10-point scale, Christians tend to rate their sex lives 7.36. Others rate it 6.38. While Christians are doing better, it’s not a huge number to brag about. And 36% of women have never reached orgasm, or very rarely do. In fact, even 1/4 of the women who rated their sex lives as 8-10 actually report not reaching orgasm, or very rarely reaching orgasm. So they may be enjoying making love to their husbands, but they’re not experiencing everything God has for them.
Porn plays a destructive role in almost 50% of Christian marriages, too. Abuse robs us of joy and spontaneity. Body image issues feed shame.
And then there’s sexual pain. It’s long been known in medical journals that conservative Christians suffer from vaginismus and other sexual pain disorders at higher rates than the world at large. What’s going on?
That’s what I’d like to find out. If we know Christ, we should be passionate, fulfilled, and intimate. But many of us are not. And I’d like to figure out why.
To do that, I want to go right to the experts: women themselves. I want to hear your stories and hear your opinions.
So I’m conducting what I hope will be the largest and most extensive survey of Christian women’s marital and sexual satisfaction that’s ever been done. I’ll turn it into two books in 2021, starting with The Great Sex Rescue with Baker Books. It’s time to not only look at doctrine and biblical principles to great sex, but also to look at what real women are actually experiencing.
Can you help? If you’ve ever struggled with sex, and can’t figure out what all the fuss is about, I need you!
If you’ve had sexual pain, I need you!
Even if sex has just been mediocre, I need you. You’re the majority, and you count.
If you’ve been divorced or remarried (perhaps especially if you’ve been divorced!), I need you. Those whose marriages don’t make it have lots to teach us about what can go wrong, and I’d like to hear your stories.
But if sex is awesome for you, too, then please fill out our survey. We want to figure out what’s different about you—what you were taught; how you grew up; all the different factors that influenced you, so that we can create some blueprints for couples on how to raise the next generation to enjoy intimate, passionate marriages, too.
Please, women, be part of The Bare Marriage Project. Get your voice heard, and help other women discover the secrets to great sex—and a great marriage. Thank you!
Sheila Wray Gregoire blogs everyday about sex & marriage at To Love, Honor and Vacuum, where she’s not afraid to get beyond pat answers to the nitty gritty of what builds great relationships. She’s the author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and 31 Days to Great Sex. Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.