Today’s great post from Julie at Intimacy in Marriage has some great thoughts on why turning your spouse on is great, and how to do it well.
Are you and your spouse sexually playful?
Or do you wish you were sexually playful and just aren’t sure how to make all that fun sexy foolishness happen?
Well, good news. Sexual playfulness is one of the easiest sex skills to learn. I mean, it is way easier than learning the wheelbarrow position. Because that position is not easy.
It needs a warning label. And a physical therapist on standby.
But sexual playfulness has lots of possibilities that all of us average everyday people can do!
Here are 3 rules to live by:
1. Don’t tease unless you plan on following through.
I knew a guy in college who loved the chase. He was a master flirt. He had all these smooth ways to woo a girl, but then once he had her, he lost interest. Sexually teasing in a marriage without following through is kind of like that.
It is making a promise that sounds good in the moment, but then when it comes time to show up, you either forget completely about the promise made earlier or you postpone it indefinitely.
So to make sexual playfulness genuinely mean something, it has to more often than not lead somewhere. And that somewhere better involve nakedness, sexual pleasure, sheets in disarray, and your kid possibly saying, “What on earth was going on in there? I swear I heard cat noises. Mom, why is shirt now on backwards?”
Does sexual playfulness have to lead somewhere immediately? No.
But you can’t joke around with your husband in a sexually suggestive way and think that he isn’t going to want you to take those suggestions to the next level within a reasonable amount of time. Maybe later that evening? Maybe the next night? You get the idea.
For more reading, check out Don’t Tease Unless You’re Going to Follow Through.
2. Tell each other what you find sexually playful.
If you have never been sexually playful with your spouse, you both may find it helpful to actually point this out. Maybe say, “I would love it if we could joke around more sexually. I just want us to be more playful with each other in that way.”
Now if this is totally out of character for both of you, you may also have to let your defenses down. Sexual playfulness at its best isn’t going to be scripted. Certainly, if there is something you absolutely do not find playful, express this. But as you both are finding your way to what you each do like, you will have to learn to not be so easily offended.
So when you’re making chocolate shakes for your kids and your husband looks at you playfully and says, “I know a better way we could use that ice cream and chocolate syrup,” don’t be so quick to discount his friskiness.
Instead, smile and say, “Well, if only we had some caramel sauce, too. You know how I like caramel sauce.”
For some husbands and wives, sexual playfulness comes in the form of inside jokes and innuendos that have shared meaning for only the two of them. Along these lines, this is why I always say that if you are going to do any sexting with your spouse, you’d be wise to use code words.
Imagine if you meant to text your husband and accidentally texted your neighbor something like, “You know what I really need? Some pineapples, that’s what.” Well, you can backtrack your way out of that embarrassment.
Not so easy to do if your text said something like, “Hey, it’s been awhile since you let me strip you down and check your fruit. Meet me in the produce aisle… uh, I mean our bedroom… at 10.” Hmmm. The neighborhood barbecue just got awkward.
As is the case with any phenomenal sexual intimacy, couples who learn to give and receive feedback usually figure out what is sexually arousing and affirming. And what is not. Trybeing playful and you’ll find your way.
3. Maintain good exclusivity.
Sexually suggestive comments, good-natured sexual humor, and frisky hands all can be incredibly arousing — until one spouse feels the amusement has jeopardized the exclusivity of their intimacy.
If you are around other people or in a public place, you have to have discernment on what is appropriate exuberance versus what is embarrassing to your spouse.
If your playfulness becomes too descriptive and other people are privy to this, the desired outcome may ultimately be nixed. Suffice to say, you gotta know when too much is just too much. Especially if you’re in the middle of Home Depot or sitting at your kid’s basketball game.
And even if you and your spouse are not easily embarrassed, you still need to keep the sexual details to a minimum when being sexually playful in the presence of others.
Funny story along these lines.
Right now, neither my husband nor I are wearing our wedding rings. He actually hasn’t worn his since March 2017 because of a lawnmower accident where he cut off the tip of his ring finger. I haven’t worn mine since just a few weeks ago (you can see that story here).
So we were sitting around laughing about our apparent “availability” and this led into a conversation about would either of us get married again if the other died. My husband said he wouldn’t, but I said, “I think I probably would. I just love sex so much!”
My husband laughed and said, “Yup. This is true about you.” Of course, our college-aged son was sitting there and shook his head in a way that clearly conveyed the last thing he really wanted to hear his mom say is how much she loves sex.
My husband smiled, glanced at our son and said, “See what I’m dealing with here?”
It was good-hearted playfulness. Had I gone into detail about what exactly I love about sex — well, that would have been too much. At least for our son.